


Tower of Mistakes

by flyingspaghettimonster



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Beth and Annie are good homies, Beth just wants to go home, Boob Envy, Childhood Friends, Eren has no chill, F/M, Guilt, Homesickness, Jean tries to flirt and fails horrendously, Levi feels vaguely threatened by this teenage girl's height, Past Brainwashing, Reiner is a big dumb bear, Ymir is gay and shameless, children who need hugs, in which Bertolt was always a girl, tall girls are hella
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-04-28 17:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5100206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingspaghettimonster/pseuds/flyingspaghettimonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elizabeth Hoover was ten years old when she became the enemy of mankind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ashes, Ashes, the Wall Falls Down

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hooooo boy, this was an emotional doozy to write. Bertholdt gives me intense feels no matter what. This is far more serious than I intended it to be, but WHOOPS. It will get more lighthearted when we get to the training days, and then it gets sad again. Oopsie. Also, this is a fill for the kink meme, the prompt is [here.](https://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/2124.html?thread=2767436) Enjoy!

_I had to use you to make me feel strong_  
_But I don't care about that now_  
_I see a tower built out of my mistakes_  
_And it all comes crashing down_

_Is there something I can do?_  
_Is there something I can do?_  
_Is there something I can do?_  
_Can I make it up to you?_

\--

Elizabeth Hoover was ten years old when she became the enemy of mankind.

She was still so young, with two left feet and gloves too big for her hands, gloves that she just wasn’t capable of filling the way her people wanted her to. At such a young age, she felt more like a puppet dangling from strings of manipulation and lies rather than a young girl with morals and emotions. Her childhood was spent training her, preparing her for her task; this was her destiny, they told her, this was what she was meant to do.

But despite their efforts, Elizabeth was fragile; she had developed anxiety from a young age, she cried if she witnessed the death of an animal, she was too afraid to fight anyone for fear that she would hurt someone. They were disappointed, to say the least; they began to believe their expectations of her could not be met. Her parents tried their best to pull her out of the plan, but her bloodline made it impossible. 

She possessed the blood of the Colossal in her veins, and her fate was sealed from the day she was born. 

Elizabeth was desperate to win their approval. They called her the degenerate daughter of a legendary bloodline, unable to live up to the legacy of her ancestors that made up the walls that shielded humanity, the very walls she was to destroy. The weight upon her shoulders was too much to bear at times, but she could not relieve that burden onto someone else no matter what. It was in her blood. She could only rant and rave about the expectations placed upon her to Reiner and Marcel and Annie, and cry when it became too much to handle. But they never expected her to be strong, never held her accountable when she broke under the pressure, and they never believed she was weak.  
They always believed in her.

They were her rocks, she depended on them like no other, and they never expected anything in return. But she still felt guilty that she could not give them anything in return, that she was not strong enough to be depended on. And when Marcel, who was practically their big brother, was eaten by the titan they encountered on their journey to the walls, Elizabeth knew that this task was going to be far more difficult than they had anticipated.

When she transformed and stared down at the civilians below, saw the terror on their faces, heard their screams, she wanted nothing more than to disappear into the wall beneath her hands and join her ancestors for the rest of her life. But she couldn’t, she wouldn’t, because Annie and Reiner needed her more than she could ever know and she could not leave them to perform this task alone.

Elizabeth Hoover was ten years old when she became the enemy of mankind, but she was going to stay strong for her friends.

\--

Infiltrating human territory had been a cinch; nothing about them was out of the ordinary, they looked just like any other child in Wall Maria. They fled to the mountains, waited there for a few days, and then journeyed to the nearest port town, where boats were stuffed full of refugees fleeing to the inner walls. But they did not know how they were going to get on a boat with so many people clamoring towards the ramp, screaming and shouting and begging soldiers to let them on, to let their children on at least, to save them. 

Elizabeth gripped Reiner and Annie's hands tightly, pulling them closer to whisper to them. "There's too many people, we'll never make it on if we don't do something."

Reiner chewed on his lower lip nervously. "We could try asking a soldier..."

"Like that would help us," Annie retorted. "We'll just be like the rest of the people begging."

Elizabeth glanced at the front of the dock. Soldiers were now permitting people with children to enter the ship, and the ship was filling up fast. They were running out of time. 

In their panic, they didn't see the two soldiers who spotted them huddled together at the back of the crowd. They were approached as they looked ready to push through the crowd.

"Hey kids, the ship is almost filled,” One told them. “You'll have to wait for the next one. Go back to your parents, it's not safe to be away from them."

They froze; this could be their chance to get on the ship. Annie, the stellar actress she was, crumbled into tears and ran into Reiner's embrace, sobbing hysterically. Reiner returned the embrace, tears streaming down his cheeks as well. Elizabeth, being the only one without someone to cling to, hugged herself and stared at the ground with dead eyes. Their original plan was to have them pose as siblings; Annie and Reiner, and Marcel and Elizabeth. But with Marcel dead, she had no one to seek comfort in.

The soldiers stared at them, bewildered. "W-what..."

Elizabeth lifted her head to stare at them. They looked unsettled by the hollow look in her eyes, unable to get past how dead she looked.

"Our parents did not make it out of our village, sir," she said, voice strained. “T-they…” Her breath hitched. “They made us escape through the forest...we heard their screams...we couldn’t do _anything_...we could only run…”

Marcel being eaten flashed before her eyes and she squeezed a few lonely tears out. “My big brother was eaten on our way here...we don’t have anyone…” 

The Garrison soldier at the front of the dock exclaimed that that the ship was full, nobody else could come on. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the soldiers exchange looks, before she felt a hand grip her by her jacket and realized the soldiers were dragging the three of them to the front of the crowd. The two hollered at the civilians to get out of the way, and they obeyed in favour of watching the three dead-eyed kids being brought towards the ship. 

“We’ve got three orphans here,” the taller one shouted to the front. “Three orphans, we gotta get them on!” 

The crowd parted even quicker, and Elizabeth could see the ship now, the ramp being lowered again to allow them entry. The crowd on the ship shifted as much as they could to accommodate the three ten year olds, the driver sidling up to lower them into the ship. Annie first, then Reiner, then Elizabeth, all three were piled on before the ramp was removed once more. 

The three huddled together against a wall, pressed close to keep warm. They acted like they didn’t notice the sad looks from mothers and fathers, the curious looks of other kids, and instead paid attention only to each other. 

“Good job Elizabeth,” Reiner whispered, wrapping his arm over her shoulders. “You did well.” 

Annie said nothing, only reached over and gripped her hand tightly. 

They said nothing to each other after that, but Elizabeth knew that their struggle would only worsen. The bursting pride that she felt in her chest at the praise would be short-lived. 

\-- 

Living in a refugee camp was horrible. The conditions were worse than anything they had ever seen; with disease, infection, food-shortage, and corrupt soldiers, it was anything but safe. One would never know when they would find a dead body somewhere, or if that body was someone they loved. Rebellions were also quite common; refugees who desired safer living conditions, better treatment, who rose up against the soldiers in their camps and tried to fight for freedom and equal rights. This often ended in more bloodshed than progress, and more disdain was directed towards the refugees after every rebellion. 

Refugees were free to leave the camps if they so desired, but few of them actually had somewhere to go. If they left the camps, they would surely die of starvation before they could get a job. 

Others turned to other methods, such as drug dealing and selling on the black market. In many cases, people would steal clothes, money, and other belongings from civilians and even other refugees to wrack up some sort of profit. Oftentimes they would turn to robbing children, especially orphans who had no one to defend them. Elizabeth had lost count of how many times people had tried to rob them, but had been put in their place but some well-thrown fists and a knife to their throats, threatening to unleash a waterfall of blood from their veins. 

Human trafficking was common as well; people, especially teenagers and kids were kidnapped and sold as slaves, whether for work or for sex. After they were attacked by traffickers for the first time, they decided it would be best to leave their refugee camp and seek shelter elsewhere. Where, they didn’t know, but it was infinitely safer out there than in the camp. 

On the day they were going to leave, they announced the plan to retake Wall Maria using the refugees. The claims were that they wanted to retake the territory that was taken from them, but in reality, they all knew it was simply to reduce the numbers and prevent a shortage of food. Elizabeth had never felt so sick to her stomach, had never felt so disgusted, in her life. How could they waste so many lives so the fucks in the inner walls wouldn’t have to give up getting fat every day in their warm homes, like the lives of the refugees didn’t matter? 

She had thought that all humans were good, innocent; she was sorely mistaken. 

Elizabeth, Reiner, and Annie were not being sent out to the front, so they chose to set out to the interior of Wall Rose on the day of the operation. As the crying, screaming, begging civilians were forced into formation and the gate was about to be opened, Elizabeth stood off to the side, staring at the large crowd amongst the Survey Corps soldiers with wide, horrified eyes. She couldn’t keep her eyes off their faces, seeing their despair, their fear, their acceptance; they were all going to die and they could not do a thing to stop it. 

Her eyes scanned over the crowd until they came across a quartet of soldiers, huddled next to each other on their horses. Survey Corps, she deduced from the symbol on their breast pockets. She could only see the dread written across their faces, some far more subtle than others, but it was there on all of them. The smallest was a man, appearing to be quite young, with squinted, beady eyes and a scowl written across his face, muttering something to the person next to him, who wore thick goggles and their ratty brown hair in a ponytail. The two blonds were large and buff, one with scruff on his jaw and on his upper lip, and a nose that reminded her a bit of Annie. The other was slightly smaller, hair neatly styled with a bolo tie wrapped around his neck; a symbol of a commander. All four of them had dark rings under their eyes, signifying their lack of sleep. In all honesty, she couldn’t blame them for losing sleep over this situation. 

She didn’t realize she was staring until the commander’s eyes drifted over to her and they locked gazes. For several long seconds they stared at each other, taking in the hollowness in each others’ eyes, not able to tear their eyes away until the man next to the commander nudged him and gestured towards the gate with his head. The commander nodded and steered his horse towards the gate, but stopped briefly to give her one last look before making his way to the front of the crowd with the rest of them close behind. 

Elizabeth released a heavy breath before she glanced back at the crowd. Seeing their horror, their fear, and how thin and frail they all were, she realized that none of them were bad people. None of them wanted this; they all had families and friends and lives that they had lived...before she had come and torn it all away from them.  


None of this would have happened if it weren’t for her. 

“Elizabeth! Hey! Elizabeth, come on, Annie’s waiting for us, we have to-” Reiner stopped short, unable to move as he watched his best friend stare at the crowd being ushered towards their fate outside the wall. She couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything, could only watch with tears brimming her dead, guilt-ridden eyes. 

Without saying a word, Reiner surged forward and hugged her with all his might, muffling her sobs in his shoulder as he led her away from the camp. 

Once they were on the road, she told them to start calling her Beth. They didn’t question her, and she knew that they didn’t need to. Beth had a clean slate; Elizabeth’s was stained with blood. 


	2. At the End of the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beth, Annie, and Reiner struggle to survive before they are eligible to enlist in the military.

Three years of them barely scraping by followed them after they left the refugee camp. With nowhere else to go, the three of them jumped from district to district, village to village, on a desperate search for some kind of residency or work. Being young refugees with little experience in human practices, this proved to be far more difficult than they anticipated. They were “outies” according to the shopkeepers and merchants who turned them away upon discovering where they said they used to live. They were considered savages, witches, people who traveled to the inner walls to curse the innocents. 

Upon further investigation, “outies” were people from outside of Wall Rose, people from the outer districts of Wall Maria and the secluded, poor villages. The people who lived in poverty and destitution. The more she heard the term directed towards her, the more disgusted she felt with the richer class. 

Their struggle for survival wasn't always horrible though. For a brief period of time, they managed to find shelter with a young widow and her elderly mother, who fed them and gave them their own room to sleep in. After a week of living there, they questioned why they were helping them. It turned out that the woman’s husband had been a Garrison soldier who died helping refugees out of a mountain village in Wall Maria. She didn't know if it was their village, but she wanted to help them because it was what her husband would do.

They lived in her house for five months until she and her mother died in a carriage accident. The house was given off to the woman’s brother, who promptly threw them out into the street.

Homeless once more, but with enough collected money to last them a few months, they set back out in search of shelter. A few weeks later they discovered an old barn next to a stream, about three quarters of a mile from the gate into Trost. By this point, the refugee camps were likely close to empty.

They created their home inside the barn. Beds made of old hay, pillows out of balled up rags, no blankets. They would huddle into their jackets every night and curl up against each other, to share as much body heat as possible. Every week, one of them would set out into Trost to buy as little food as they could manage to last them until the next week. Their efforts to acquire more money proved to be mostly unsuccessful once more, though Beth managed to scrape up a bit from helping an old woman with her laundry every week or so. 

They were beginning to run out of money, so they decided that perhaps a little bit of crime was their only other option. 

At eleven years old, they became murderers, the enemies of humanity, dirty orphans, outies, and thieves.

They made it through their first winter inside the walls with their lives, but whatever shreds of innocence that they still possessed had completely disappeared by springtime.

When spring was setting in, they found themselves changing. Their bodies were growing in more ways than one; pimples littered their faces, their voices cracked and deepened. One day, Beth woke up and found that she was beginning to grow taller than both her friends, and Reiner was close behind her. The two girls were not liking how their chests were beginning to grow, as they had no way of supporting them properly with the little money they had. They settled for cheap breast bands that they found in a nearby trash pile. They would do for now, at least.

Beth and Annie were stricken when they began to bleed in an area that they really did not want to bleed from, along with the terrible cramps and other side effects that came with it. They did not know how to handle it, they were quite terrified actually, and Reiner certainly didn't know how to help either. After their first encounters with their monthly cycles, Reiner approached a woman in town and shyly asked her how he could help them, explaining that none of them knew what to do. The woman, a middle-aged woman with two teenage daughters, was touched that he would want to help them and relayed everything that she could to him, even suggesting cheap ways to alleviate cramps and staunch bleeding.

Their only male friend eventually became a sort of doctor to them when their monthly cycles reared their ugly heads. He refused to let them go into town at all if they were in pain, encouraged them to exercise to help with the cramps. He would often return with fruit and plenty of water, and would tend to them in the first days of their cycles in any way he could. Really, they couldn't be more grateful for his efforts, especially since they had not retained any knowledge of their cycles beforehand they got them.

Spring turned into summer, and the heat was unbearable. They spent a lot more time at the river, swimming and relaxing at the shore. The barn became incredibly hot and humid at night, so they often resorted to sleeping in less clothes. They were quite comfortable with each other, didn't care if they saw each other in their underclothes or not, though others their age probably would.

On one particularly hot day, it was Beth’s turn to run into town for supplies. The sun was bearing down on Trost mercilessly, and the people who were out and about were definitely feeling the heat. Merchants were sweating from under the canopies of their stands, shopkeepers were fanning themselves inside and their doors were wide open to let any cool breeze inside. The only articles of clothing that Beth possessed were a white blouse that was so dirty that it almost wasn't white anymore, and a grey ankle - length skirt that brushed against the ground if she crouched a bit. Her clothes were beginning to become too small now, and she feared that she would have to live with clothes too small for her for some time. 

The food prices were beginning to grow and it made her nervous. She didn't have enough to buy them enough to last them a week. If she couldn't think of a solution, they would have to go a few days without food. Unless…

She spotted a young man standing at a merchant's stand, surveying the vegetables on display there. In his pocket, she could see a money pouch hanging out, looking to be close to falling. 

Brushing a hand through her hair, she weaved through the crowd towards the young man, who still hadn't registered that she was approaching him. She sincerely hoped that she was as good of an actor as she'd been told, or this was definitely going to blow up in her face. 

When she reached the table, she hooked her ankle around the leg of the stand and feigned a trip, crashing into the young man with a yelp. The boy stumbled and she could see the pouch of coins tumble out of his pocket onto the ground. She then stumbled onto one knee, her skirt flying out to conceal the object.

Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice it falling, instead focusing on the girl who had fallen on him. “Whoa, are you okay?” He knelt down next to her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, ignoring the shouts of the disgruntled merchant who complained about some of the vegetables that fell off the stand.

Beth grunted and nodded, carefully placing her foot over the pouch as she stumbled to her feet. Now that she was facing him, she could clearly see his face; it was long and chiseled, with a sharp nose and furrowed brows. His hair was styled in a two-toned undercut that was neat and well-styled. He looked to be middle to upper class; well-fed, healthy, and dressed in nice clothes. 

Beth supposed she looked to be quite a sight compared to him, in her dirty, tattered, and shrinking clothes, with dirt perpetually stuck on her skin due to lack of soap, and a clearly malnourished figure that showed thin wrists and hollow cheeks. Their difference in social status was easily distinguishable; he most likely came from a wealthy middle-class family that never needed to worry about whether they would eat that day or not. To everyone around her, she was a poor, orphaned refugee from Wall Maria, traumatized and broken and fighting for survival every day. In reality, she was a monster and a murderer in disguise, but nevertheless fighting for survival that she didn't deserve.

“Sorry for falling on you,” she stated, embarrassed and sheepish.

He shook his head. “Don't worry about it, accidents happen. Are you hurt or anything?”

“Oh no,” she brushed her skirt off. “I'm fine, just a tumble. I'll survive.”

The boy eyes seemed to linger on her bony fingers, and then shot up to her face, probably noting how malnourished she looked. She wondered if she looked more like a skeleton with skin than a living human to him.

He looked satisfied with her answer and began to pick up the vegetables that had fallen off the stand. Taking advantage of his distraction, she knelt down to untie and retie her shoelaces. When finished, she glanced up at him again to make sure he wasn’t looking, and slipped the pouch from under her foot and began to push it into her sleeve.

She had it halfway through when she heard the boy murmur to himself, “Where did my money go…?”

Without thinking or looking, Beth jumped to her feet and bolted into the crowd. Her heart began to race as she heard the merchant shout “Thief!” into the humid air, which immediately brought attention to the lone running figure in the area - her. Cursing under her breath, she ducked into an alley and hurried down the cobblestone street, frantically searching for a place to hide the pouch of money should the authorities catch her.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a pile of empty barrels, seemingly abandoned in the street. Chest heaving, she popped open the lid of the one most concealed and dropped the pouch in before closing the lid, seemingly in record time because the moment she turned the corner, she ran face-first into a soldier.

The man grabbed her by her hair and yanked her up to make eye contact with her. “Fucking thief, where’s the money?!”

She gave him the most confused face that she could muster through her grimace. “W-what are you talking about?”

He yanked her hair harder. “The money you stole from that boy!”

She cried out in pain, hands grasping at his and trying to pull it away. “I didn’t steal from him!”

“Don’t lie, you little bitch!” He shoved her into the wall of the building, hand still firmly gripping onto her hair. “Why the hell were you running away then?”

“I had to go, I was late!”

“I don’t believe that for a goddamn second,” he loomed over her, face uncomfortably close to hers, so much so that she could smell his breath. “Do you know what happens to little girls who steal around here?”

Judging from the look in his eyes, Beth could certainly think of a few things. She was about to reach down to her calf where she had strapped her rusted dagger to defend herself, but was cut off by an authoritative voice calling down the alley.

“Hey Dirk, that kid called off the pursuit, said he found his money under the merchant stand. Let the kid go, she’s innocent.”

The soldier grunted and tossed Beth away by her hair, making her stumble and fall onto her knees, to which she scrambled up again and bolted around the corner. She took cover behind the pile of barrels, gingerly touching her head and taking sharp breaths.

There weren’t many times where she felt like her life had really been in danger at the hands of another human, but this had to be one of the worst. She almost wanted to vomit thinking about the look in that man’s eyes, she knew exactly what he had planned for her and if her plan to go for her knife hadn’t worked or that boy hadn’t called the soldiers off, she would be in a very different situation. She covered her mouth with her hand and shuddered, feeling something trigger her gag reflex to make her heave. She was torn between relief and horror and disgust and rage, the turmoil of emotions making her want to die inside.

She sat there for far longer than she anticipated, trying her best to recover from the experience. When she finally had the feeling back in her legs, she stood up from her hiding spot and came face to face with the boy she had robbed. With a gasp, she looked ready to turn and bolt, money be damned, but a hand on her bicep stopped her in her tracks.

“Hey, are you really gonna run before you let me give this to you?” It was then that she noted the bag of food that he held in the crook of his other arm, full of foods from bread to vegetables. 

She gave him a look of absolute befuddlement. “What…?”

“You’re a refugee, right? From Maria?” 

“Y-yes...how did you know?” She inquired, relaxing and turning to fully face him.

“I...I saw you.” He scratched his neck awkwardly. “I know this sounds creepy and weird, but I saw you in the refugee camp here. That was almost a year ago, huh? My mom and I used to have to walk by the camp on our way home from my school and I always saw you huddled in a corner with two blond kids.”

“So you called off those soldiers because you pity me?” Beth retorted, feeling quite disgruntled. “Or do you just want to be a good Samaritan and give the poor unfortunate refugee a break? What, because you wanna feel good about yourself?” She glanced away and crossed her arms. “I’ve handled myself quite fine, thank you.”

“Whatever,” the boy shook his head. “I’m not doing it because I pity you, I’m doing it because you need it way more than I do. I’ve been well-fed my entire life, I’ve never needed to worry about the stuff you have. Just...just take the damn food, alright? Don’t make me regret helping you after you robbed me.”

Beth stared at the bag of food with furrowed brows, unsure of whether or not to take it or not. The thought was immediately tossed out of her head when she heard Annie’s voice scolding her, saying “Don’t be an idiot, take the food or we’ll starve before we can continue the mission.”

Silently, she opened the barrel she had hidden the money in and pulled the pouch out, holding it out to him. “Trade?”

He stared at the pouch with a thoughtful expression, but shook his head. “No. Keep it.”

She sighed. “I can’t take your food _and_ your money-”

“I have plenty of it though. You don’t. So take them both, and don’t ask questions, okay?” Before she had the chance to protest, he transferred the bag to her and didn’t take the pouch of money either. As he turned to leave, she stared at the contents of the bag in awe, in confusion, unsure if today was a miracle or if she just got lucky.

Before he had the chance to disappear around the corner, she looked up at his retreating back and smiled. “Thank you.”

He stopped and turned to look at her, noting her kind smile and sputtering a bit, whipping his head around. “Y-you’re welcome...just be more careful next time you try to rob someone, okay?”

She chuckled quietly to herself. Yeah, today had actually been a miracle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The concept of "outies" came from a different fill in the kink meme called "Bang-Up Job" so all credit for that goes to the author of that fic. Y'all should go read it because it's an awesome piece of writing, you'll find it [here.](http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/2124.html?thread=1883212)
> 
> This chapter isn't really my favourite, but at least I got to write blushy Jean and nurse Reiner :))) The next chapter will have them starting up in the military woooo


	3. I Took You By the Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How had it all come to this? What had her life become? She had grown up a normal child, happy and loved and full of life, and now what was she? A murderer, a liar, the enemy of mankind.

Annie returned from her run to Trost with a grimace on her face. “They set up a sign up booth for the military in town.”

Beth and Reiner looked up from their work; Reiner was working to patch up holes in one of Beth’s tunics and Beth was trying to glue the sole of her boot back on. In the two years they had spent within the walls, Beth had been the clumsiest of the trio and tended to ruin her clothing when she took tumbles.

“How quickly is it filling up?” Reiner inquired, tying a knot in the thread and biting the end off. 

Annie shrugged. “Not particularly quick, but it will be when word gets out that it’s posted. If we want to make sure we all get in, we should go now.”

The other two nodded, putting their work aside and standing, brushing hay off their clothes and out of their hair, and set out after the small blonde girl, towards the city. When they arrived at the booth, there was a decent sized line filled with boys and girls their age, waiting anxiously to sign up. Beth could see all the well-dressed kids, looking smug and quite full of themselves. They didn’t look determined to serve a cause, they didn’t look excited to join the effort, to help humanity.

They were just doing it for show. Because they wanted people to think them brave or respectful or _heroic_ , when the most traumatizing thing they’d seen was probably an infestation of rats. None of them had seen the carnage that the refugees had, none of them knew what it was like beyond the walls. Most of them would join the Garrison or the Military Police if they were lucky enough to make it into the top ten, which, judging from their less than muscled dispositions, Beth sincerely doubted would happen.

She was beginning to realize that human society was far more complicated than she had expected.

Reiner looked disgusted by the sight, scoffing as the trio joined at the end of the line, looking quite comical next to the clean rich kids with their perpetually ruffled hair, rumpled clothes, and hollow cheeks. Annie looked indifferent, but Beth could tell that she was secretly sharing the sentiment. 

As the line grew shorter and they were getting close to the table, Beth could feel sweat beginning to gather in her palms. Feelings of doubt and uncertainty flooded her mind, she just didn’t know if she would be able to take the stress of both the military and their mission at once. But if she didn’t join the military, they wouldn’t be able to move on to the next stage of the mission, and that would instantly mean failure and everything the people back home had said about her would be true.

She didn’t want to be a failure.

Her shiftiness eventually caught Reiner’s attention and he reached out to grip her hand tightly. “Hey, whatever you’re thinking right now, don’t worry. Okay? Everything will be fine. You’ll be fine.”

God, nothing had ever made her feel so self-centered before. They probably thought she was self-centered and only cared about her own well-being, but dammit, that wasn’t true. She cared about Reiner and Annie so much, and she was terrified for them as well. But she only cared for herself, she really did, she just wanted to live and go home and forget about everything she had done.

“I’m so selfish…” She muttered.

“What?”

“I’m selfish,” Beth stated, turning to look at her best friend. “I’m so damn selfish and I hate myself for it.”

“What the - why the hell do you think that? Stop thinking like that, you -”

“-have been focusing on how scared I am and I’ve even considered running away and abandoning the plan to save my own skin. I’m fucking selfish, Reiner, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to get better.”

She turned her gaze away, knowing he probably looked speechless and unsure of how to respond. So he didn’t, which relieved Beth to no end. Really, Beth was shocked at herself for her own actions, not used to acting so rudely to anyone, especially her best friend. Annie didn’t say a word, didn’t even acknowledge the brief conversation as she stepped forward, causing Beth to realize that they had reached the table at last. No turning back, she told herself, there’s no turning back.

“You three signing up together?” The Garrison soldier inquired, sifting through piles of applications. The trio nodded, and the man handed each a form to fill out before settling back down in his seat.

Beth sighed and bent down over the table to fill out the form; name, age, birth date, place of birth, current residency, names and statuses of her parents, all the things they would need to know about her. Of course, she had to fake some of the facts, such as her place of birth, where she wrote the name of a small mountain village in Wall Maria that was sheltered and small, and her parents, whom she named but wrote down as deceased. The latter pained her quite a bit, because she knew that her parents were actually alive and probably fearing for her life at the moment, unsure if she was dead or alive.

Nevertheless, she filled out the paperwork and signed it before handing it back to the soldier, who took the paper and inspected it for any possible mistakes. His eyes glazed over her place of birth for a bit, before they flickered up to her face. “You kids refugees?”

The three of them nodded, playing up their haunted eyes and trembling hands like they always did when people asked them that question. The soldier glanced down at the paper again and sighed. “I was in Shiganshina when the wall was breached. Scariest day of my life. Having no choice but to sit and watch as the Colossal Titan - that bastard - kicked the gate in made me feel more helpless than ever. Had to carry these two kids away as their mom was eaten by a titan. Since then I’ve devoted myself to becoming stronger, so that if he ever comes back one day I can hit him where it hurts. Look,” he gave them a very stern look. “You three have probably been through hell, and you’re signing up for the military. There’s a huge chance that you’ll run into titans again, you know. Are you really sure you wanna do this?”

The three nodded, not daring to utter a word.

The soldier sighed and nodded. “Well, I wish you three the best of luck.” He accepted the other two forms and sent them on their way.

Once they were out of the city, Beth collapsed to her knees and dry heaved in a nearby bush. Reiner brushed a comforting hand over her hair. Annie stared up at the gate leading to Trost, eyebrows furrowed and lips curled in a frown.

“I can’t do it -” Beth sobbed into the grass, her voice so strained it felt as if she were suffocating. “I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough, I’m not-”

“Beth!” Reiner exclaimed, gripping her shoulders to turn her around. “Stop talking like that, you can’t give up now! We haven’t even gotten to the second phase!”

“I don’t think I’m even going to make it to the second phase, Reiner!” Beth responded, hysterical. “I’m not even gonna make it through the training! I’m weak and I’m going to crack under the pressure before we can even get very far, and we all know it!”

“You aren’t weak-”

“Stop it! Just stop it!” Beth scrambled to her feet and stumbled away from him. “Stop lying to me, stop trying to give me false hope, it’s...it’s useless.” She covered her mouth with her hand and heaved, eyes tightly squeezed shut. “They were right...they were all right about me.”

Reiner’s tight expression softened, looking ready to gather her up in his arms and never let go. “Beth…” he nearly whispered, stepping forward, making her back away.

“I need...I need to be alone. I need to think.” Without giving them a second glance, she turned and stalked away, off the path and towards the creek on the outskirts of a small forest. She walked for so long that she barely took note of how the sun was beginning to descend over the horizon, painting the sky with different shades of pink and orange. The sunset had always been important to her; she recalled countless evenings sitting on the back porch of her childhood home, accompanied by her parents and grandparents, watching the light disappear from the sky and the stars begin to appear in the darkness. She would sit in between her grandparents or on her father’s lap, taking offered sips from her mother’s tea, snuggling into the warmth and comfort of her family as they admired the beauty of nature.

Sunrises were always something she associated with Reiner. There were days in the summertime when Reiner would rise early, when the sun was beginning to show itself, and climb up the tree outside Beth’s window. She would wake and climb down with him, her blanket tied around her shoulders, and they would sit on the grass and watch the sun rise into the sky, content to hear the birds chirping and the village begin to rise.

The sun had been setting when she shifted and kicked in the Shiganshina gate.

The sun had been rising when Marcel was devoured.

Those things, once so important to her, now only represented the disaster that was her life. How had it all come to this? What had her life become? She had grown up a normal child, happy and loved and full of life, and now what was she? A murderer, a liar, the enemy of mankind.

Did she even have the right to feel guilty? Reiner and Annie were just as guilty as her. Annie was the one who shifted to call the titans to the wall, and Reiner was the one who broke the through Wall Maria. They had blood on theirs hands as well. So why did she feel as though she bore the brunt of humanity’s fear and hatred?

_Selfish_ , she told herself. _Selfish and inconsiderate, that’s what you are. You’re a terrible friend, Beth. They would be much better off without your sorry ass slowing them down. The elders always liked them better than you. You’d be better off either dead or rotting in the walls with the rest of your ancestors._

Beth dug the heel of her boot into the dirt, plucking a stone off the ground to toss into the water of the creek. The only noises in her ears were the sounds of birds chirping, water rushing downstream, and footsteps approaching her from behind.

Footsteps approaching her from behind…?

Beth shrieked and a small, lithe body tackled her from behind, sending both bodies rolling down the hill towards the creek’s shore. The moment they stopped rolling, Beth found herself pinned down and unable to move, no matter how hard she struggled. But instinct told her to fight, so she used her strength in her lower body to throw the stranger off, rolling on top of the other and pinning them down the same way they did to her.

Her eyes bugged upon seeing her attacker. “Annie?!”

Not even dignifying her with a response, Annie slipped one hand free and gripped the taller girl’s shirt. The two girls grappled and rolled across the ground, steadily growing closer and closer to the creek. Eventually Annie managed to slip free and throw Beth onto her front, then straddled her back and pinned her down.

“Stop it.” Annie commanded. “Now listen to me, okay? If you try and be all self-deprecating and hateful or try to argue with me then I’m going to roll us both into the water. Maybe that’ll bring you to your senses.”

“Annie-”

“Beth, I’m serious.”

“But Annie-”

“I’m not lying.”

“But-”

Without another word, the small blonde wrapped her arms around Beth’s shoulders and her legs around her waist, then bodily threw herself to the side and successfully rolling them into the creek’s freezing water. Beth resurfaced, released from Annie’s hold as soon as they were submerged, and coughed, shivering as the other girl calmly stood up in the water and held her hand out to her.

“Can we talk now?”

They sat on the shore, cold and wet and shivering, and stared at the rippling water without a word. That is, until Annie spoke up.

“You really think you’re weak?” She inquired, not looking at her. “You fought me off and managed to pin me as much as I did you. Reiner and Marcel have never been able to do that, you know.”

Beth did know. Growing up and sparring with Annie usually meant Reiner and Marcel trying to get the upper hand but never succeeding. But whenever Beth sparred with Annie, the two were quite evenly matched, though Beth would eventually lose to the short blonde. 

“So?” She asked, dragging her finger through the dirt.

Annie glared. “So, you’ve always been able to fight me. Even though you don’t like fighting, even though you don’t want to hurt anyone, you do it because you know you have to. And you can fight me better than anyone else because you’re observant. You’ve always been able to read me, better than I’m willing to admit.”

Beth did not respond, so she continued. 

“What I’m trying to say is that you aren’t weak. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

 

Still no response.

The blonde sighed, seeming to be just about ready to give up on her. “Reiner and I don’t blame you for feeling guilty, you know.”

The taller girl’s head finally raised from its earlier position. “But you two did things that were just as bad. I’m always acting like I’m the only one who did bad things-”

“And you aren’t, but do you ever see my titan’s face on recruiting posters? Or Reiner’s? Do you hear townsfolk talking about how much they hate us, or how much they wish we were dead? Do you hear soldiers detailing exactly how they’re going to slice us open for everyone to see?”

Beth fell silent again, and shook her head. 

“Exactly. We aren’t going through what you are the same way. Even though Reiner broke through Wall Maria, humanity considers you its greatest enemy. So if you feel guilty and ashamed and hateful towards yourself, there’s a reason. And we don’t blame you for it.” 

The brunette stared at her blonde companion with wide eyes. “...thank you.”

Annie huffed and brushed her wet bangs out of her eyes, glancing up at the sky. “We should go before it gets dark. The drunk soldiers will be heading back to their headquarters soon and we don’t want to be caught by them after dark. I only have one knife on me.”

The two shuffled back towards the barn, clothes and hair beginning to dry in the setting sun. Reiner was waiting outside the barn anxiously, pacing back and forth in front of the old structure. Upon seeing them, he stopped in his tracks and watched them approach, not saying a word. Beth immediately went to him and wrapped him in a hug, burying her face in his neck and sighing.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured.

“Don’t be,” he replied, hugging her back just as tightly. “It’s okay. I’m always here, you know? I’ll always be here for you.”

She smiled and nodded, and for once, she didn’t feel guilty.

None of them slept a wink that night, so they spent the entire night by the stream, laying on the grass and staring up at the stars. Beth would point out the constellations that her father had taught her about, and for one night, the trio forgot that they were far from home on a mission that could cost them their lives.

\--

Exactly a month later, a horse-drawn carriage barreled down the nearby dirt road, approaching their barn with a gaggle of new recruits inside, stopping just a ways off. The driver of the carriage looked puzzled, occasionally glancing at his list of locations and wondering if this was the correct place that he was to pick up three recruits. The barn looked abandoned and empty to him, but suddenly a small bag was tossed out of the second story window onto the dirt, where it landed with a thud. Soon after, two more bags went flying through the window, and the sound of scuttling feet across wood was heard from within the building. 

Beth, Reiner, and Annie emerged from the barn with hardly any sort of emotion attached to their faces, which seemed to jar the driver a bit, but he said nothing of it. The trio collected their respective bags and climbed into the cart, waiting for the other recruits to shuffle down the bench to give them room to sit.

Throughout the entire ride to the training facility, they said not a word to each other or anyone else. Beth could feel the eyes of the other recruits wandering around, glancing at them, at each other, taking each other in and familiarizing with each other. They were about to embark on a long journey together, one that would be unpredictable. Unpredictability made Beth nervous; the idea of not knowing what the possible outcome could be, who would succeed, who would give up, it all made her a bit jittery. Unpredictability in her particular case could mean drastic outcomes.

They soon arrived at the training grounds, the sun high in the sky to signal the early afternoon. The cadets stepped out of the cart with their belongings clutched in their hands, noticing the cadets who had already arrived and been fitted into their standard uniforms - white pants, knee-length boots, and the military jacket with the trainee insignia sewn onto the fabric. It looked as though people were already mingling with each other, beginning to form tentative friendships with those around them.

Beth hoped that nobody would try to do so with her.

“Alright, new arrivals!” An older man with a long scar cutting across his face shouted over the talking. “Go get fitted for your uniforms! Boys to the right, girls to the left, and move quickly! We don’t have all day!”

Reiner sighed and patted Beth’s shoulder. “See you in a bit, okay?”

She nodded, slinging her bag over her shoulder. “Yeah. Bye.”

Her friend gave a small wave before trudging off to where the boys were being fitted, while Beth and Annie moved in the opposite direction. A small line of girls was leading into a small building, presumably where they were being fitted for their uniforms. She could already see girls glancing at her, most likely because of how she towered over the rest of the girls; in fact, she towered over most of the boys as well. She pursed her lips and kept her head down, refusing to meet anyone’s gaze unless it was Annie’s. 

“They’re staring at me, aren’t they?” Beth murmured to the short blonde, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Annie snorted. “They are. They aren’t being very subtle about it either.”

Beth had to suppress the urge to groan. “Of course they are. Of course I was the one cursed with incredibly abnormal height. Of course.”

“Calm down,” Annie responded, fixing her cold stare upon a group of girls who couldn’t seem to keep their eyes off her taller companion. “They’ll get over it eventually.”

The line gradually shrank as time passed, girls entering in their street clothes and exiting in their new uniforms. Beth was the next in line, shuffling just outside the door as she waited for a seamstress to call her in for her measurements. She could see Reiner, already fitted into his uniform, standing off to the side, away from the rest of the new recruits, arms crossed over his chest and head tilted away from the eyes of any of the others. His tall and muscular disposition probably did a lot in warding other people away from him, keeping them from trying to approach him and make conversation.

Even though he looked quite intimidating, she could see the wandering eyes of the other girls on the grounds. She could feel her gut twisting as she saw girls - small, dainty and frail-looking - watching his every move, scanning his sculpted jaw, his muscled arms, and Beth felt her gut twisting. 

She always knew the he was good-looking; how could she ignore it? The girls back home always talked about their crushes on Reiner, told Beth how lucky she was to have him as a best friend. Back then, she had never really seen why they swooned over him in the way they did; to her, he was just her best friend and only her best friend. But things have changed, and time has taken its toll on them, and Beth was starting to see why girls and occasionally boys were so taken with Reiner.

With his blond hair, muscular physique, sturdy jaw, and kind smile, it would be difficult to not at least crush on him a little bit. After so many years of not seeing it, she could suddenly feel her emotions towards him changing. Her heart would speed up when he smiled at her, would thump erratically against her rib cage when he ruffled her hair or wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Her cheeks would heat up when he held her close after nightmares. She remembered feeling as though she would pass out when he told her that she was beautiful.

Of course she would start to fall for her best friend. Just her luck.

“Next!”

Beth jumped in surprise and nearly scrambled to open the door, shuffling inside just in time to see Annie heading into the next room to hand in her measurements. The taller girl was beckoned over by a severe blonde woman who looked to be in her mid-30’s or 40’s, with worry lines and a mouth set into a thin line. 

“Stand up straight,” the woman instructed firmly. “Arms out, chin up. And for Sina’s sake, don’t try to puff out your chest to make it seem like your bust is bigger than it actually is, alright? I’ve had several girls pulling that already and I’ve just about had enough of it.”

Beth blushed and nodded mutely, doing exactly as she was told and keeping her mouth shut. The woman immediately got to work in gathering the information, jotting down her measurements on a piece of paper. The woman’s eyebrows went up towards her hairline when she measure the length of her legs, doing a few double takes before sighing and recording her results.

“How old are you again?” She asked, wrapping the measuring tape around Beth’s hips.

“Thirteen,” the brunette replied, feeling her cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

The woman hummed to herself, moving up to measure her bust, and Beth could see her raise her eyebrows once again. “Thirteen, huh? You’re definitely the most developed girl I’ve measured. You’re nearly six feet tall, you know.”

Was she really that tall? Beth knew she was tall, she couldn’t not know, but she hadn’t expected to be quite that tall. Nearly six feet tall at thirteen years old. The scariest part was that she was catching up to Reiner in height, and he looked to be one of, if not the tallest guy among the recruits. Should she surpass him in height, she would be unable to avoid attention.

She secretly hoped that she would just stop growing.

The woman gave her a sympathetic look, almost as if she knew what she was thinking. “Don’t worry about it, alright? People are going to stare at you for being such a tall girl, they’re going to make you feel like a freak, and it’s gonna suck. But you don’t owe them anything. My advice? Own it.”

One of the seamstress’ assistants piped up from her desk. “Darlin’, if anyone makes fun of you, you can crush them under your boot. Make them fear you.”

Beth couldn’t help it, she let out a small, breathy laugh. The seamstress smiled a kind, genuine smile, and patted her shoulder before handing her a paper with her measurements. She muttered a small “thank you” before she moved into the next room, where a man stood amongst several crates of uniforms. She handed him the paper, which he took with exhausted ease and read through them.

She could see his expression change as he read the measurements, glancing down at the crates and then at the paper, then up at her. “These are yours?”

She nodded.

The man hummed and dug through a few crates of pants, and then jackets, but came up empty handed. “I’m gonna have to send someone to the other building with the boys’ uniforms. There aren’t any for girls with your size.”

Beth could feel her face heat up in embarrassment. They didn’t have any that would fit her, was it really that uncommon for girls to be this tall? If she could shrink away into the ground, she would do so without a second thought.

The man had her stand off to the side to wait for the runner to return while he dealt with the next girls who entered for their uniforms. A total of three other girls entered the room, and all three of them were a great deal shorter than her. One looked to be at least ten inches smaller than her, tiny and blonde and gorgeous with a kind smile. The other two were of average height, one with short black hair and a red scarf, the other with auburn hair who appeared to be munching on something.

She didn’t address them at all, didn’t even make eye contact as they went off behind the curtains to change. The runner finally returned with a uniform in his hands, thrusting it towards her carelessly. “Took forever to find pants of the appropriate length that wouldn’t completely sag around your legs. Female soldiers haven’t been this tall before, so have fun with your men’s uniform. You’re welcome.” 

Beth cleared her throat and clutched the pants, boots, and jacket to her chest, aware of the thick silence in the room that was filled only by the rustling of clothes and the sound of curtains being pulled aside. Two of the three girls who had been changing were exiting now, dressed in uniform, and she could just feel their eyes on her as she shuffled behind a curtain. She hasn’t been there for over two hours and she’s already gotten countless stares; if this were to be a regular occurrence, she didn’t think she was going to make it through. 

Instead of dwelling on the subject, she focused on getting changed. The jacket fit quite snugly around her upper body, hugging her shoulders and fitting reasonably well. The same went for her pants; they were a bit shorter than desirable, with the hems of the legs reaching her mid-ankle, but it would have to do for now. She noticed with a grimace that the clothes hung off her frame slightly, not completely hugging her body in the way they were supposed to. She supposed that it was because of her thin, malnourished frame, and she hoped that with time, regular meals, and exercise, she would be capable of gaining some weight back and filling the uniform out better. 

With a resigned sigh, she exited the building and made a beeline for Reiner, who immediately shuffled closer to her and whispered to her questioningly. “What took you so long? You were in there longer than anyone I’ve seen.” 

Beth’s cheeks flushed a dark red. “They, uh, had to get a boy’s uniform from the other building because they didn’t have any uniforms in my size.” 

Reiner gave her a sympathetic look, patting her shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, tall girls are awesome, and you’re the tallest girl in this area, so that makes you extra awesome.” 

She smiled weakly, trying to ignore how her skin felt as though it was on fire under his touch. “Thanks…” 

They waited in that little corner of the courtyard together, leaning against a wall of what seemed to be one of the barracks, conversing quietly. They avoided eye contact with anyone else other than Annie, who stood alone not too far away from them. They huddled close to each other, heads leaning close to one another so as to not be overheard by others. The next hour saw two more carts of recruits arriving, the final two that would be arriving before their instructor would appear and the debriefing would begin. 

Once all of the new recruits were fitted and wearing their uniforms, they were ordered to spread out and line up throughout the courtyard. Their instructor arrived with an air of superiority so thick that Beth felt as though she were suffocating. Instructor Shadis was a severe man, bald with heavy wrinkles and bags under his eyes. She supposed anyone who had seen the things he had would look like that, but that didn't make him any less terrifying in this moment. 

If she looked hard enough at him, she would think he looked slightly similar to her uncle. Her uncle had been bald as well, but his eyes had been wrinkled from countless smiles and laughs; a gentle man who loved to see people smile. He was nothing like this man who began to yell at the top of his lungs the moment he set foot on the grounds. 

The trainees quickly straightened up and focused their gazes forward as their instructor paced across the courtyard, in between the rows of trembling rookies like a wolf on the prowl. Shadis would immediately get into the face of any trainee that glanced at him, shuffled, or looked even remotely eye-catching. Beth did not even glance his way until he addressed one particular boy, one who sounded oddly familiar. 

She saw the two-toned undercut, the long and angular face, and knew it was the boy she had robbed in the market. When Shadis demanded his name, she perked slightly when she realized that she had never learned his name after he had helped her. 

Jean Kirschtein, she mused. She supposed she would have to introduce herself to him if the instructor didn't give her a verbal beat down. 

Seeing Jean receive a swift headbutt from their superior made her cringe and turn her gaze away. If she was lucky, maybe he wouldn't address her when he saw how tall she was. 

\-- 

On the first night, Beth didn't know how to what to do at all. 

As soon as the day was concluded, all of the trainees gathered in the dining hall for dinner. It was bread and hot soup, and though the bread was on the verge of staleness and the soup was a bit watery, it was the closest thing to a meal she's had in two years since the fall of Wall Maria. 

Beth sat alone at the end of a table with Reiner, stirring the soup slightly before spooning some into her mouth. She nearly cried after swallowing. “I couldn't even remember what hot food was like until now.” 

Reiner chuckled through his mouthful of soup. “I know what you mean. It almost feels like a dream.” 

Beth picked at her bread with her lips pursed. “To be honest...I didn't think we were gonna make it for awhile. Especially with the winter months being some of the coldest on record.” 

“Me too,” the blond admitted. “I thought were were gonna either starve or freeze to death out there. But we didn't, and that's all that matters. We’ll be safer here.” 

Beth nodded and raked her eyes over the room. The room was full of conversation, people mingling and beginning to form friendships with one another. The tables were filled to the brim, and it was almost beginning to make Beth feel claustrophobic. 

Just behind her, she could feel a bit of a crowd forming around one boy, though she didn't know or care for why, but she could feel them almost brushing against her and it made her shiver. She hated being too close to strangers, it was something she hated. To distract her thoughts, she glanced around the room again and focused on Jean, who sat not too far from her, talking to the boys at his table with an air of smugness that she never saw from him when they met. 

“Why are you staring at that guy?” Reiner inquired, tearing into his bread. “Think he's cute?” 

Beth’s face flushed in indignation. “No!” She cleared her throat when the others at their table glanced their way, lowering her voice so others couldn't overhear. “Do you remember when I almost got arrested for pickpocketing a boy in the market?” 

Her best friend glanced at Jean with an eyebrow raised. “That him?” 

Beth nodded. “That's him.” She glanced back at him and noticed the lack of food in front of him. “He doesn't have any food…” 

“He's probably not hungry,” Reiner shrugged. “Besides, you said he was from a richer family, right? I'm sure he'll survive one night.” 

She glanced down at her bread, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth thoughtfully. Her friend must have known what she was considering, because he immediately gripped her shoulder to keep her in her seat. “Beth, you better not be thinking of giving your bread to him. You need it way more than he does, you're practically a skeleton.” 

“And yet I've survived this long somehow,” Beth countered, feeling strangely defiant. “I can do whatever I want with my food. It's not like we’re struggling for food anymore, we're having meals every day now, it's not like it's gonna kill me. Besides…” she glanced at her half empty dish of soup. “I think I'll be sick if I eat more.” 

Without saying another word, she brushed his hand off her shoulder and grabbed her uneaten bread. Jean had helped her when she needed it, the least she could do was give him some food on their first night. She approached him slowly after waiting for him to allow his table mates to start talking, placing the bread down on the table before taking a seat across from him. 

He glanced at the bread and then up at her face, and she could see recognition flash in his eyes. He placed his elbows on the table and leaned on them, inadvertently leaning closer to her. 

“Well, it's nice to see you didn't starve to death,” he stated, glancing down briefly at her hands, which were bony and more akin to a skeleton. “You look like you're gonna drop off your feet though. Why are you giving me bread?” 

“Oh no, don’t worry about that, I came out of the womb looking like this.” Instantly she covered her mouth, because that had been the last thing she had been planning on saying. She was going to say “don’t worry about it, I’ve eaten as much I could already”. 

Jean gave her a long look before he snorted and pushed the bread back to her. “Seriously, take it, I’ll be fine for one night.” 

She shook her head, not only denying the offering but also trying to clear her head. “Just take it. My friends and I probably wouldn’t be alive right now if it weren’t for you, so I want you to have it. I owe you.” 

_I want to get even with you before I have to ruin your life in a few years._

“You don’t owe me anything,” Jean replied. “I never expected anything in return.” 

“Just…please, just take it. For me?” She gave him a weak smile, eyes pleading. 

She saw him swallow roughly as he looked at her, as if trying to figure her out, until he sighed and took the bread. “Thanks. I...don’t think I ever got your name.” 

“You’re welcome.” She gathered her hands in her lap. “And it’s Beth. Beth Hoover. And...you’re Jean, right?” 

“Yep, that’s me.” He tore off a chunk of bread and slipped it into his mouth, chewing slowly. 

She was about to excuse herself from the table when she noticed the crowd at the later from before had only grown, and she couldn’t help but overhear a statement exclaimed out of what sounded like pure exasperation. 

“Yeah, okay, I saw the big guy.” 

A collective gasp echoed through the mess hall, but Beth only became more confused. The big guy? Who was the big guy? As she pondered this, more questions were fired off towards the young boy at the table. 

“Seriously?” 

“Exactly how tall was he?” 

The boy almost looked _bored_. “Tall enough to stick his head over the wall.” 

“What? I heard he stepped over the wall completely!” 

“So did I!” 

“Meh, he was big, but not _that_ big.” 

_Oh_. _That_ big guy. 

Beth could feel her stomach churning violently, and she folded her arms on the table and bowed her head. If she was going to throw up, she would prefer to throw up on herself rather than on anyone else. 

“Hey, are you alright?” Jean inquired leaning closer to her. “You look a bit green.” 

She swallowed. “I don’t really feel well...it’s...they’re talking about the...the Colossal Titan is all…” 

Jean must have then remembered that she had told him she was a refugee and looked a bit disgruntled. “That’s kind of insensitive of them to be talking about it so nonchalantly. Do you need a medic or something?” 

She shook her head, clamping her hand over her mouth as the boy began to describe the appearance of the Colossal Titan. “No, I just...I’m sorry, I just need to sit for a bit.” She clamped her eyes shut and focused on willing away the feelings of nausea. 

“And the Armoured Titan? The one that broke through Wall Maria?” 

“Is that what they’re calling it? It looked like any normal titan to me.” 

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Reiner looking disgruntled as he sipped from his tankard, then saw him shift with a grimace. 

“So what were they like?” 

The boy stopped dead in his tracks, eyes suddenly growing haunted and dull as his spoon slipped out of his hand. He mirrored the position she was in at the moment, hand clamped over his mouth and eyes squeezed shut. 

As one boy - Marco, she believed - began to tell everyone to back off, a small opening caused Beth and the other boy to be able to lock eyes. She stared hard, unable to look away from the boy who saw her on that day, saw her kick the gate in and unleash hell upon his home. His emerald green eyes emanated so much pain and shattered innocence that she almost gagged, almost wanted to run into the woods and leave herself there to die from guilt and shame. 

And she knew for a fact that her own eyes radiated their own pain, the kind that he would never be able to understand but to any regular person, it looked very similar to his. In a way, it almost was. She knew her eyes showed the horror of watching innocent people die at the hands of the titans, the shattered innocence that came from watching a loved one be devoured and not being able to do a thing to stop it. 

She knew his pain to an extent, but he would never know the pain of becoming a mass-murderer as a child. Never. 

But still she felt so horrible, felt so guilty for causing him that pain, because she could never take it back. She would never be able to go back and change it, never be able to right the wrongs she’s committed. That is a fact that she has long since come to terms with. 

In a flash, she could see something in his eyes change. No longer was there a tortured young boy, but a young boy with a mission. His eyes showed passion, passion for vengeance. He nodded towards her, as if promising her that he would get that vengeance, and tore his eyes away to take a ravenous bite from his bread. 

She shivered and sank further in her seat. When the time came, she knew he wasn’t going to be very forgiving when the truth came out. That is, if he survived that long. 

\-- 

When they were sent to their barracks to settle in, Beth wandered in through the door with her belongings and noticed that almost all of the bunks were taken, and that there were almost none without at least one girl in it. Annie had claimed a top bunk in the corner but it seemed another girl had claimed the second mattress, much to her dismay. She saw Annie giving her an apologetic look that, to others, would look like a blank stare, but Beth has known her long enough to tell just what a furrow of her eyebrows meant. 

She began to panic a bit internally; there were no empty bunks left, and she didn’t know anyone else in the room. If only the boys and girls didn’t have to be separated, she would have just shared a bunk with Reiner...dammit. If her anxiety wasn’t such an issue for her, if she was just more like Reiner, she could maybe approach someone and ask if there was a free spot left. But she wasn’t Reiner; she was Beth, the awkward teen with legs too long for her body and enough sweat to fill a bathtub. 

She stood awkwardly until a soft voice called to her over the sounds of conversing girls. 

“Hey, do you need a bed still?” A young redhead was poking her head out from the bottom bunk she had claimed. “I still have a space left!” 

Beth sighed in relief and nodded, hauling her belongings over to the bed. “Thanks…” 

“No problem!” The girl smiled. “I’m Hannah Diamant, nice to meet you!” 

She smiled awkwardly in response. “Beth Hoover. Hi.” 

The redhead crossed her legs and grinned at her. “Where are you from, Beth? A lot of kids here are from Trost and other parts of Wall Rose, but apparently there are some from Sina too.” 

She scratched her neck awkwardly. “I’m...uh, I’m from a small mountain village just southeast of Wall Maria.” 

Beth saw the other girl freeze, and she smiled weakly at her as she began to change into her sleeping clothes. When her sleeping pants were on, Hannah finally spoke up again. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t make this awkward, did I?” She slumped a bit. “I’m sorry if I upset you.” 

Beth shook her head. “Don’t worry, it’s fine. I did see titans, I lost people I loved to titans, but that’s in the past now. All I can really do now is move on, you know? But…” She hesitated a little, but felt a bit encouraged when Hannah looked to be still listening intently. 

“I still get nightmares about it though,” she sighed. “So I’m sorry if I wake you up with my thrashing or...or crying, or maybe even screaming. I just want you to know that you can totally switch bunks if you don’t want to deal with that.” 

Hannah shook her head and grinned. “Don’t worry, I don’t mind. It’s not like you can help it or anything. If...you ever want to talk to someone about it, I’m gonna be sleeping next to you for the next three years.” 

“Okay...thanks.” 

That night, she tossed and turned, but didn't sleep a wink. The soft breathing of the girls surrounding her, and the occasional soft snoring were all that she could hear. Sleep was the furthest thing from her mind at the moment, instead she is plagued by the thought that she was going to be bunking with these girls for the next two years and she would eventually have to betray them all. She could not close her eyes without thinking that maybe, just maybe, some of these girls had seen her titan form, had been there when she and Reiner destroyed Wall Maria's gates and set the titans loose upon them. She wondered if any of them had lost loved ones because of her. 

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the sound of someone descending from a top bunk, bare feet padding across the wooden floor before a voice whispered above her head. "Beth?" 

She raised her head and looked up at Annie, sitting up and shuffling over to allow the other girl to crawl onto her mattress without waking Hannah. The blonde brought her blanket with her, wrapping it around her shoulders to keep herself warm. Beth pressed her back against the mattress once more with her legs stretched out in front of her, shifting a bit to let Annie lean against her side comfortably. 

"Can't sleep?" She whispered. Annie nodded without a word. "Me too." 

The two then fell into silence, listening to the chorus of steady breathing and tossing and turning. Annie Eventually they fell asleep, resting their heads on each other in a way that would definitely give them a crick in their necks come morning. 

When Beth awoke the next morning, Annie was no longer in her bed and Beth had gone sleeping on the very edge of the mattress to lying down on her front in the center of it, with her pillow directly under her head and her blanket draped over her almost lovingly. 

She liked to think that Annie did care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next couple of weeks will see me trying to prepare for the hell that is finals week, so a new chapter will not be posted until sometime before Christmas or after Christmas. Hopefully I can get at least one short chapter in before the holidays take over my life. If not, happy holidays to everyone!


End file.
